Battling Through Life's Storms

Unless you are on the winner’s side in the battle most things seem unfair. In the game of life, when I was thrown a major challenge I thought it was totally undeserved. My default reaction setting was utter disappointment and inner chaos.

In the newly- wed stage of my life pretty much everything was taking the chartered course. The vows taken, the honeymoon done, pictures put on social media, celebrated festivities, memorable 6 month milestone, we were adjusting into our new roles as married partners and living the ‘wet cement’ year.

And, then not long enough there was a major blow that left us grappled with shock. It was a stumbling block to everything we were happily planning and meticulously working towards. The spark and excitement from life was snatched away in an instant.  

It was the late evening of November 11th. I was returning back home after work and completing a couple of chores. I was my utmost grumpy self, irritable and restless unable to calm myself down. I stormed into my home. Well aware of the anxiety, my husband came near, held my hand, extended his arms to give me a hug, I pushed him away. I wanted nothing. Whatever was in my hand I threw it around and rushed to the bed room. It was something I had never experienced before, feeling awfully uncomfortable unable to decipher anything going on and absolutely clueless what I wanted. Whatever little effort I did to make myself better went in vain. He had bought me my favorite milkshake in a hope to calm me and I puked it as is, entirely. I lay down on the bed and that’s when he suddenly noticed my body shaking with every breath. He got alarmed and immediately suggested we go see the doctor. I simply cut him off and asked him to let me sleep. (I REQUEST EVERY READER PLEASE DON’T OVERLOOK BODY SIGNS AND TRY GETTING MEDICAL ATTENTION IMMEDIATELY). After some amount of back & forth and a lot of coaxing he somehow managed to figure out the nearest hospital and we reached there. At the hospital, I was immediately asked to get admitted into the ICU since my heart rate had gone as high as 192 bpm and I needed constant monitoring. When I saw the ECG, it hit me it was something grave. 

My brain froze. My mind went hazy. And so was his. We decided to follow the doctor’s advice since it was best if I was at least under someone’s supervision. Two days post my discharge the doctor there suggested I need to get checked immediately and consult some specialists.

And then began the hunt. We ran around asking people for doctor recommendations, seeking different opinions, trying to get the best, attempting to make sound decisions that’ll yield us the results that we want. Who are these surgeons? What are they saying? What’s this procedure? What makes sense, what doesn’t? Amid information overload and my own insecurities I was trying to decipher some meaning. My whole focus stayed on what could I possibly get done with the minimum pain? I was only convinced of explanations that could help me get past this phase soon. I was trying to avoid a major surgery and convincing myself with temporary fixes. I wasn’t prepared and I didn’t have it in me to be facing so much agony. It was all too quick and too much to take in. There were painful reminders of old open wounds that troubled me. It wasn’t an emergency surgery but it was an inevitable necessity. It definitely was tempting to pretend that I am as healthy as healthy can be and will manage myself well. 

The cassette on loop in my head was that it’ll be fine till I was categorically told “Recognize that there’s a problem, you have to deal with the solution and live your life with it.”

It took me some time and a lot of hope given by everyone around that made me realize that the sooner I took action meant the lesser amount of stress in the long run. I had immense support from my parents and my spouse and what else could I ask for. There undoubtedly would be pain. But not choosing to suffer was all the way in my control. Constantly shutting out the fears would simply serve to reinforce greater pain later. That’s when I decided that I’m going to cut the negativity and ready myself. I couldn’t stay bitter towards the adversity; towards something I called my own. I internalized the hardship and had to write another story anew. 

What I figured out in this whole turmoil is that the first step towards developing resilience is challenging the idea that I can control everything. The need of the hour for me was to accept life on life’s terms and not resist what I cannot change. There is a defect. The defect needs to be worked on. Denial unassumingly becomes the first stage when it comes to tackling a negative situation. I realized however, the shorter the time gap between denial and acceptance the quicker I can get back to a better place. It took me a lot of ‘me-time’, reading, positive imagery meditation, talking to my spouse to become indomitable. I had to get operated and I was convincing every cell in my body about it. Preparing for a surgery means preparing for the recovery period as well where a lot of the regular activities will be cut off. For some days, life will come to a standstill. One has to train oneself for the frustration and aggravation he/she will be going through.

It was the second surgeon visit to clear any other queries, understand all the nitty-gritty and finalize a date. We were informed earlier that it should take about 8 days total in the hospital. 

My birthday happens to be on 14th December. I sure didn’t want to be in the ICU then, in spite of having apprehensions of whether I would actually be there to see one. I had discussed it with V that the unreasonable child in me wanted to have this demand fulfilled. He had said we’ll definitely speak to the doctor. 

We had agreed on 10th December being the surgery date. I sheepishly looked at V because I had calculated my birthday and wasn’t quite sure if it was in the ICU or the ward. The doctor immediately noticed and asked what happened. V told him about my birthday and he with a half-smile said it should all be fine by then. 

I’m not sure if the doctor considered that I’m an absolute idiot with messed up priorities or he saw me as someone who’s looking forward to something bright. But, that’s what building the toughness taught me. 

I learnt to embrace reality, so, what once frightened had started seeming familiar. I tried to look past the storm and at the silver lining where the streak of hope entered. I clung on to the little light and grew it into a rainbow in my heart. 

My birthday was spent partly in the ICU and a few hours in the ward. While I had grown by a single digit in age when it came to fortitude I think I added on a few years 🙂