Uncertainty

At least 300 words a day. Write. Put it down on paper or type it on the screen. Simply write it out, the achievers said.

And I sat with my laptop, and a blank document.

Well, I do have a lot of things to say, tons of views to share and yet when I begin to pen down thoughts I wonder what exactly do I want to convey. Yes, it reminds me of my wardrobe filled with clothes but having nothing to wear every time I want to step out. Life is interesting when you spot patterns, perhaps.

Staring at the white space in front me, I started questioning what exactly would there be at the end of this piece. At that moment, I was reminded of a conversation. I was asked that since I’m done with the surgery what should I expect next on my health front? What was going to happen? I had smiled to myself. I’m not sure I gave a perfect answer but post that we continued our banter and bid each other good bye.

That set me to think about the fear of uncertainty. I am at a stage where everything is as certain as it is uncertain similar to when I cross a road, relish a fine meal in a restaurant or enjoy watching movies in the plush theatre or maybe even packing bags to travel to a favorite destination. I am presently amidst a towering stack of mights and may be’s. It’s as sure as unsure can be.

My mind slowly drifts into the noiseless shores of ambiguity as I ponder over the past, think of the present and contemplate on the future. I constantly dread about how things are going to shape up, what’s coming to hit me subsequently, what eventuality awaits me. There is a round-the-clock nagging self-doubt ticking in my mind even in the smoothest of times.

From sudden death of cherished ones to listening to devastating medical diagnosis or experiencing end of loved relationships I have seen it all and been through it all and much more. As I think through them, I only realize that it isn’t uncertainty that gives me a panic; it is because I associate uncertainty with a negative outcome each time that causes the stress. Not being assured of what to expect at a later time doesn’t automatically put the situation into the negative events bucket. It’s comforting to be in a position knowing crystal clear what the outcome is but that is being equally self-delusional.

Economic instability, natural calamities, corporate restructures, religious wars, civil unrest, we are living in the midst of utter chaos and vagueness. And with any situation there comes along irrational thoughts that double up their role in filling us with fear and apprehensions. It’s said that we have about 60-80 thousand thoughts in a day about 80% are negative and 95% of them are repetitive. Recognizing and shutting down those beliefs is what we ought to keep in check. We keep cycling through the parade of anxiety, guilt, angst, disappointment of previous events and forthcoming probabilities that the current calmness and joy is so difficult to feel. The truth is absolute definitiveness in every sphere of life would have left us with tons of boredom.

Prior to a surgery, you are asked to sign a form wherein you are informed about the mortality rate. You go ahead signing it, trusting the surgeon’s experience, your Gods and seers and the universe. If you want the procedure to go as planned that’s a step you ought to do. You ought to surrender. You don’t really resist at least consciously. You do your part. Truth of the matter is that the last thing the surgeon told my husband holding his hands was “Have faith in God”. You can equate God to any person or thing you lay your belief in. But that’s the thing with surrender. You play your part but don’t attach yourself to the outcome as things can turn out better than you imagined.

As I am straddling familiarity and the unknown, what stays in my control, stays and what’s beyond it goes. I’ll observe the fear and not live the fear. I am attempting to embrace the inevitability of uncertainty as it is fruitless trying to dodge it.

Life is fluid. Getting a total grasp over it is futile thinking. It’s common to look up to people who wield control. In fact, we value control above all our other capacities. But the beauty lies in submission 🙂