Live Today, Tomorrow Will Cost More

August 26th, 2018

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling fan in my room. I glanced at the still blades. The longer my stare, the more the dust accumulated on it started bothering me. I jumped up, set a stool on the bed, took a cloth, poured some liquid and wiped it clean. No more specks of dust caught my naked eye. The dust that was not visible with the fan mostly being in motion or that I was ignoring was now no more. I prolonged my gaze, now at the cleaner fan.

It was this day that year. That haunting morning. The scene that can never be erased away. Three lifeless bodies of my closest family members, the three pious souls, people who had showered me with so much selfless love all through my life, stood by me through every tribulation and made me feel theirs in their own beautiful ways.

I recalled then of the previous evening, how when I heard the news and froze in the metro station unable to believe what was shared with me. Or rather not wanting to be aware of the reality. The heaviness on my chest and a whirling mind, time held no meaning to me that day. The journey after when every single moment felt burdensome. That night’s sleep, if at all there was anything like that. Flight journey the next day early morning; one among the highest amounts we ever paid and the same that was the least comfortable.

For sometime after the incident everything in life seemed so immaterial. The realization of a finite amount of time for each of us here hit me real hard. How it could be about anybody any day; the uncalled for guest, the worse intruder; death has no rules. Separation is difficult and this sort of abrupt parting shows you that some things in life can never be made right again. The grieving process included the stages of sadness, frustration, anxiety, remorse and sometimes even guilt. The inevitable end bringing along with it hopelessness and cynicism.

I supposed the incident had taught me a lot. I assumed I learnt . However, I am totally wrong. Four years later as I sit back today, there are aspects that I realized that went back to ground zero — being stuck to the past, afraid of the future, futile judgments, deep insecurities, uncalled for ego tussles, attempts to conform and impress, proving myself, the urge to be in control, outward searches for peace and this list continues.

My life has been like that fan, switched on, switched off, running in circles, sometimes at different speeds, most often with no goal in particular, most days with no reason of existence in particular.

Today as I fondly remember my dear ones again, I go on a restart mode and begin this attempt at living a life where I stop bothering about the little everyday things, loosen my grip on life as a whole, and instead smile more often. Some people chose to call the 9 I see as 6. I simply need to walk away accepting that with no labels and move on. It’s time that I scrutinize everything that I do to figure if it really matters to me. And, if not, then let go.

Starting over is about giving ourselves a chance at real happiness. I deserve it and so I shall start again.